The Table for One

I have never been one to go out of my way to introduce myself in any social settings. I just prefer being alone, lost in my own thoughts as people (who are also busy being busy I guess) pass me by. I am just pretty much inept at the whole complex social dance that the rest of humanity are engaged in.

The excuse that I usually use is that I am not a people person. That I don’t really like to go out a lot (or at all – seriously, if it were not for my parents and my job, I would probably have sealed myself off in my own room and even they probably wouldn’t known that I have existed). I never really went out of my way to meet people and even if I do go out, I more likely then not would be wondering around alone. I have no problems being alone as that was how it has always been for me, a default go-to place of safety. There are plenty of reasons for this but I normally won’t want to list them all out for fear of tearing open the numerous emotional scabs that lay in wait for me. But here goes:

I have always been a person with a great deal of emotional hypersensitivity. Being a chronic introvert, I have always shied away from almost any form of group activity and flocked towards solo activity, like reading books and getting lost on the Internet looking at how deep the rabbit hole goes. Back in school, all I can recall is how small and lonely I was made to feel. The experience of feeling isolated and being made to feel like the odd one out made me loose trust in the people that surround me and solidify my need for solitude. Those feelings are tattooed in my memory and they do have a lasting impression on how I view the world at large and my place in it. In primary school, I remember bursting into tears purely from the loneliness I felt. At times when I bring my concerns to my parents, they somewhat dismissed it as being a childish thing and that it would do me well for me to defend myself physically against said bullies. I also remembered my parents being somewhat amused and made fun of the idea of me being bullied. That was the start of when I saw my parents as Bullies: the people not to be trusted.

It was around this point that I have devised my own self defense method: Just leave them all alone and surely, they would leave me alone. I didn’t talk to them even, didn’t want to needlessly give them a reason to dislike me or something. Well…. that didn’t work. From the start, I became a shadow in the background of the class, not the life of the classroom itself. Not that I mind. My streak of introversion and shyness has led to me being alone for the most part yet again throughout my secondary school years. I made my way to the IT club and found computers and the internet to be fascinating, a welcomed distraction from the needless pain of being. I find being in a group setting over some time is mentally taxing and emotionally draining. I had a really close friend and he sort of helped a bit with my shyness but even we parted ways.

One of my favorite things to do is to go out by myself and just walk around.. I didn’t really go out to be with someone or to be with a group of my peers.. I just like being alone around a pool of people, like I am visiting a human zoo or something. I like observing people communicating among themselves within their normal set environment, like I am watching a documentary or something. I’ll have the table for one, facing a window of a high traffic footpath, just watching the people pass me by. Like I am an alien from a distant planet, observing the nature of human interaction and bonding rituals of various relationships.

Is this something that I need to fix? Maybe. I have no real desire to change this though. Maybe I’ve grown so used to it that I didn’t feel like it is worth changing, for better or for worst. Maybe I should just take the pill and drift off to Neverland, and not worry too much. The end… I’ve got to end it somehow, right?

Who knew that Mr. Bean is the story of my life?

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